


Never Meant to Fall

by kate7h



Category: Vinland Saga (Manga)
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, Introspection, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:21:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21658972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate7h/pseuds/kate7h
Summary: Thorfinn was glad to not have to say goodbye to her. Whether he was in love with her or not, he knew he was very fond of her. Immensely so, from the time when they’d met and he’d learned of her plight, and ever growing as they traveled together. Learning the ways of trading, raising Karli, evading wars. When she complimented him, when she saved him from Thorkell, when she sang lullabies to Karli… when she smiled at him...He was very fond of her, indeed.Thorfinn and Gudrid have a conversation under the stars.
Relationships: Gudrid/Thorfinn (Vinland Saga)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 56





	Never Meant to Fall

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as more of a character study introspective piece and got way longer than I expected. Oh well, more gudfinn is never a bad thing~!

Thorfinn still felt completely and utterly undeserving of the affection Gudrid gave him. Truly, he knew he was. She’d told him she loved him once... and that she admired him and his strivings many times outside of that. She said he was a good man with a kind heart. It was… very moving. Very flattering. 

Despite not feeling he deserved it, he was happy. 

He was happy when she took his hand at times, often without realizing it. He found it endearing when she blushed and got all flustered and nervous around him, and he was noticing her do that more often. He was happy when she held him, and when he could hold her in return. 

_ “I don’t know,”  _ is the answer he’d given her back then, but time passed as she stayed on the ship with them, having been left behind by Sigurd, and he was glad of it. He was glad she was free now. And he was glad to not have to say goodbye to her. Whether he was in love with her or not, he knew he was very fond of her. Immensely so, from the time when they’d met and he’d learned of her plight, and ever growing as they traveled together. Learning the ways of trading, raising Karli, evading wars. When she complimented him, when she saved him from Thorkell, when she sang lullabies to Karli… when she smiled at him...

He was very fond of her, indeed. 

When speaking to Einar about his concerns, he had spoken about having a choice in loving someone - he wasn’t sure if he completely understood, but it did give him some comfort. 

...It definitely didn’t help when he recalled Ylva telling him to settle down and get married and start a family already… 

_ Already past the age, huh?  _

_ “Thorfinn, marry this girl. She’s the one who can protect you in the future.”  _

Thorkell’s words were flying through his mind alongside Ylva’s. And with Gudrid, she was literally in love with him… who else was a man like him to marry? But wouldn't it be wrong to consider such a union purely out of convenience, since she already cared for him? Wouldn’t it be unfair and cruel if he didn’t return such feelings? Did he really not return those feelings? Although he knew that was common for unions in their culture… to marry for some kind of agreement more often than any sort of romantic feelings… it was a luxury to even have one participating party possess such affection… Needless to say, he had a lot on his mind. 

It was quiet on the boat, the light of the torches burning low in the night, leaving the stars above perfectly visible. He sighed lightly, holding firm to the rudder as his mind wandered amidst the sleeping of his companions. 

He didn't mind staying awake into the night for watch keeping or steering, as the dead would plague his dreams for the rest of his life, he was sure… It was his burden to bear… his price to pay. If he never had another good night's rest again, that was a small price compared to the sins he needed to atone for. He didn't mind.

Of course, the others did, always trying to get him to sleep longer or earlier. To go back to sleep after a particularly nasty nightmare. It was kind, their consideration. However… if he could remain conscious, it was more pleasant to hold Karli, or talk with Einar, or feel flustered by Gudrid than to face  _ them. _ He knew he had no right to avoid them, yet avoid them he did. And they waited to claw at his soul the moment he slept.

The waves passed lazily over the rudder, trying to pull it this way and that as he looked sternly ahead, his thoughts darker than they had been minutes before. 

After a while, Gudrid sat up from her sleep, looking at him blearily. 

"You're still awake?" she yawned. "I thought Bug Eyes was gonna take over."

Thorfinn simply smiled. "I told him he could keep sleeping. I'm not tired."

Gudrid frowned, obvious aggravation in her features. "That toad, taking advantage of you. Tsk!"

He blinked, then chuckled a bit. "It's fine."

As she started to get up, he waved her down. "You should go back to sleep. It's not yet dawn," he said softly, aware of the rest of the crew -namely the small child who for reasons unknown refused to sleep through the night.

"You're one to talk," she replied, ignoring him as she got up and made her way to where he sat.

He watched her mutely, feeling his heart beat a little harder in his chest, a flush coming up his neck. But that was becoming more common as of late, with these alien feelings between the two of them. So he ignored it and smiled as she sat beside him, looking up at the stars. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this,” she breathed, smiling up at the sky. 

He nodded. “It’s a sight I’ve taken for granted in the past. Back then, seeing something like this, I don't think I felt anything. It was just the nighttime sky, I suppose. Now I’m glad to see it for the beauty it contains.”

And beautiful it was. The waves were calm and the sky was clear, which made the stars reflect against the water. It almost looked like they wrapped around the boat, encasing them in the lights. It made the world glow, and he let his eyes wander to Gudrid beside him, briefly taking in her beauty alongside the night sky. 

Gudrid nodded, her face softening. “I’m glad… that you’re here now.”

He blinked, feeling that surprised warmth that overtook him whenever she said something like that. Just like when she’d been screaming at Thorkell about how much he was trying to be a good person now… It was one of those things that he knew he was fond of her for. 

“By here…” she continued. “I mean I’m glad you’re not living like that anymore. I'm glad you can see this and feel peace, and that you're happier now, and living the way you want to. As peaceful and kind as you can.”

He touched a hand to his chest, looking down as he held his other steady against the rudder. He didn't really know what he was supposed to say to such a thing… but he did know that he was touched. 

"Thank you," he said softly. “I’m glad too. To be able to sit and appreciate things like this, I’m grateful.”

He felt her hand rest against his shoulder and he looked at her, a soft expression on his face. She smiled too, although it was solemn. She seemed to get that way sometimes, when he spoke of his past. It was times like this that he remembered she'd been one of the only ones in their crew who hadn't heard his tale completely -since he'd given it to each of them and his family  _ before _ they'd met with Halfdan, and subsequently met Gudrid. He tended to be surprised by her confusion until he remembered that fact. Maybe it wasn't fair… but she seemed to have put a lot of it together through time and the encounters they'd had. 

But she was seeking to comfort him now, and he felt moved again. 

Gently, he lifted his hand, letting his fingertips brush over the back of her hand, returning the gesture. The contact was brief before she pulled her hand away, settling more comfortably beside him. He brought his hand back to hold the rudder, feeling warm in his cheeks. But that feeling was more and more familiar as of late with her too. 

"Gudrid," he murmured quietly. "I want to thank you… for always being so understanding with me. I know I'm not making anything less confusing for you, and I'm sorry for that."

She sputtered a bit, and he blushed again, wondering if those were the wrong things to say. 

"N- no, it's okay!" She shook her head, waving her hands around emphatically. "If anyone's made it confusing, it's me! No, y- you shouldn't worry about me."

He bit his lip, looking back out to the starry sea as he let out a breath. How was he ever to resolve this situation? Surely they couldn't continue like this, but it had been over a month now since that lout of an uncle brought it all up to the surface. 

“I’m…” he began, speaking before he knew where he was going with it. “I’m… very fond of you, Gudrid…”

He didn’t know what kind of face she had on, as he found himself looking out at the waves in the dark. “The first thing I thought when I met you was how I wished you could be free… free to choose the life you wanted. It made me happy to be able to help you achieve that, even if it caused us trouble later. I’ve always been glad that you came along.”

Gudrid clasped her hands together, looking down as she nodded.  _ Shit, did I say something wrong again? _

“Uh- I mean…” he started, unsure of what to do. 

“I’m… fond of you too,” she said gently. “T- thanks, Thorfinn.”

He blinked, then groaned, scratching at his hair roughly, a scowl on his face. “Geez, I’m really  _ really  _ bad at this, huh?”

Gudrid snickered. “You and me both.”

“You’ve been married twice!” he exclaimed. 

She just groaned comically. “Putting aside that disaster with Sigurd, my first marriage was with a man taking compassion on a poor fourteen-year-old girl desperate to go anywhere but the tiny Vik I lived in- then he immediately left for Vinland and never came back. I barely spoke to him- we never even consummated the marriage! So I know as much as you, honestly."

Thorfinn nodded, considering her story. The flustered feelings seemed to fade away as she frowned thoughtfully. She gripped her hands tighter together, biting her lip. 

"Marriage is mostly just a tool, you know? Thorstein didn't want to leave Tulla to the household alone, and Halfdan wanted a connection to Leif's family. It's simply a trading of goods. Why're we making such a big deal about it?”

She stopped, her shoulders curling in. “What does love do, anyway?"

Her sadness was apparent as she frowned, her hands moving to grip her knees. Thorfinn could feel it adding to his own, weighing down on him. Perhaps this was another aspect of their culture which was… detrimental to the peace and happiness he so desired. Why should Gudrid have to feel like property to trade away? Why should she be barred from the life she wanted? Why do Norsemen and Danes alike do what they do to any woman they encounter? 

Surely there must be a better way…

"I…" he began, rubbing his neck. "I know my mother and father were wed for the purpose of my grandfather wanting to give a gift to my father… to honor him for his swordarm. I don't know what happened between them from back then to after I was born, but…"

He glanced out at the waves once more, recalling vaguely the quiet times in his childhood. Thors was a gentle, kind man, always doing what he could for Helga when she was sickly. Thorfinn remembered watching one night as she lay beside the fire, weakness and fatigue getting the better of her. Thors sat with her, holding her to lay against him, speaking quietly to her. He touched her face, pressing his lips to her cheek. Thorfinn didn't remember much else, but the image of tenderness remained in his mind. 

_ Mother and Father… they really were happy together, huh?  _

"All I saw from them as a child was how much my father loved and cherished her."

He stopped, glancing at Gudrid to see her looking at him. Her expression was hard to read, but her eyes were wide and bright, glittering in the starlight. He swallowed, feeling the warmth in his cheeks as he continued, speaking his thoughts aloud.

"I think this way of thinking is flawed- or at least should be considered flawed, this utilitarian nature of marriage like you've experienced. I don't think… it lends to the peace I wish to cultivate in this world. Maybe… if every man could treat his wife with the kind of care and love my father gave my mother… perhaps that would add to people in general behaving better to each other."

When he finished speaking, it felt almost like a hush came over the two of them. 

“Is that…” Gudrid started, her face going red. “Is that how… you plan to treat the woman you’ll marry…?”

He sighed, looking down as he clung to the rudder. That was the goal. He wanted to be kind and gentle, giving every care to someone who would be so intimately close to him, as they bound their lives together. He hoped for happiness through that bond, but knew it wasn’t something he deserved. But the violent warmongering world he knew didn’t want to let him go. That was evident. It was true what he’d told Gudrid that day- a connection like that to himself was a dangerous thing for all involved. 

His mind went to watching Gudrid kick and yell at Thorkell, and the brief panic he’d felt at considering how such a fight could have ended...

“I would like to, yes…” he replied. “But I doubt I’d ever be a connection worth making though, considering the circumstances surrounding me.”

A smack to his arm startled him, and he blinked in surprise as Gudrid scowled. 

“W- what?”

She huffed, folding her arms. “I don’t wanna hear you talk bad about yourself, alright? If anyone was worth such a thing, it’d be you.”

He gaped at her, unsure of how to respond. 

Turning red as she blew out a rough breath, her face growing more and more sour. “And I’m not just saying that because I myself am in love you, ya hear?! It just because-! You’re just-!”

She just about growled, pumping her arms emphatically against her knees. Her sudden anger was honesty pretty surprising. 

After a few moments of huffing and blushing, her arms relaxed as her body sagged. “I get why you’re hard on yourself, Thorfinn. I mean, you’ve done a lot of… b- bad things, and I get it, but- but you’ve done a lot of good too, ya know?”

With a sigh, she looked back to him with a sad compassion in her eyes. “You shouldn’t disregard those good deeds so readily… not when they’ve affected everyone around you so deeply.”

Apparently this night would be full of her surprising him over and over. He swallowed, his mind returning to those original thoughts of his affection for her. He felt warmed to the core, almost able to believe the breeze wasn’t frigid and his hands weren’t numb. It was like the sun was already noonday, not this canopy of stars above them. He felt the desire to touch her, wrap her up in a hug, as tight as the one he’d given her after the battle of Jomsborg and after seeing her alive and uninjured giving him immense relief. 

He wondered what his father felt… when he looked at his mother. Was there something like that in this warm fondness he felt for Gudrid? Was that something like love?

Not for the first time, he wished with all his heart he could speak to his father once more…

He released a breath, letting that longing fade as he turned himself back to Gudrid. “You feel very passionately, Gudrid,” he said, his lips quirked up, watching her face blush once more. 

She sputtered, which just made him want to laugh. 

“So do you!”

He just chuckled, feeling warmed more than embarrassed now. She really was something else. To know his past… to know the horrible things he’d done, and to still tell him off for not thinking of the good he put into the world over the bad. 

Gudrid really was a rare kind of person. 

“Do I?” 

Gudrid huffed. “Yeah! I mean, I’ve never seen a man care for a baby as thoughtfully as you, and you’re so incredibly devoted to your cause and to helping anyone you come across.”

That warmth spread through his chest again, not able to find any words- or even the thoughts to describe what he was feeling. 

Not seeming to notice his dumbfoundedness, she continued. “I mean, the reason you’re trying so hard to figure all this mess out is because you care so much about not hurting me, right?”

He did. That was true. But… it was more than that. It wasn’t just sparing her feelings. It wasn’t. He wanted to know what his heart felt. He wanted to be sure. Right?

“It’s just that…” Gudrid continued. “You’re the most genuine and pure-hearted man I have ever met. Is it that strange that I fell in love…?”

It was like when he’d struck the farmhand in Einar’s stead- he wasn’t thinking about his actions. He only processed what he’d done after the fact. 

...And after the fact was finding himself leaned into her, eyes shut as his lips pressed against her warm cheek. He only really noticed when Gudrid stiffened, choking noises coming from her. 

He pulled away abruptly, staring wide eyed as she gaped at him. She looked like she was asking for some kind of explanation. He had none. His face felt hot, despite the chill of the nighttime sea breeze. 

“Wha…?” She got out, but nothing further came. 

His eyes widened as the situation continued to dawn on him.  _ Shit… I actually kissed her, didn’t I?  _ The image of his father doing that in his memories must've been running too strong.  _ I'm such an idiot... _

“S- sorry!” He said, burying his face in his hand, gripping the rudder tighter than necessary. “I dunno why I… sorry…”

Before he could say anything else, she began to laugh. He glanced up, seeing her blushing all the way to her ears, laughing so much she was gripping her belly with a hand over her mouth, trying to muffle the sounds as to not disturb their sleeping companions. He wasn't sure what else to do, but soon joined in the laughter with her, his face still feeling like he'd been sitting too close to an open fire.

"What was  _ that?!" _ Gudrid said through the laughter, her attempt at whispering sounding more like a hiss.

He shook his head, pressing a palm against his forehead. "A lapse in impulse control, apparently."

She continued to laugh, and Thorfinn had no idea what to say. He looked down, scratching at his neck awkwardly. 

After a few moments, she stopped and he looked up to see a smile on her face, although confusion was still there. 

“I was thinking before…” Thorfinn said quietly. “My father used to… I mean… to my mother…”

Gudrid smiled gently, then leaned into him, wrapping her hands around his arm and resting her head against his shoulder. 

“You don’t have to explain right now,” she whispered. 

Thorfinn wondered if he should, despite her assurance. He swallowed dryly, feeling his heart thump in his chest. She was quiet now, hugging his arm tightly. She was warm, and he watched as she cuddled close to him. That warm, fond feeling returned, settling the nervousness from moments ago. 

All the while that he spent deliberating about his affection for her… this was a feeling that hadn’t changed. He couldn’t imagine being parted from her now. Even as they spoke of hypothetical marriages… the only person he could see was her… on top of that, kissing her purely on instinct… Perhaps he really did have his answer. All he needed to do was make a definitive choice. 

He let out a long breath, leaning his head against her hair as he took in the calming feeling. 

“Gudrid,” he murmured. “You deserve better than a man like me… but I-“

“Don’t start that again,” Gudrid cut in, exasperation in her voice. 

He simply smiled, shutting his eyes. “But I’m grateful nonetheless.”

She was quiet again. Perhaps she didn’t know what to say anymore. As he considered this choice he was making more and more, the more calm and collected he felt. The more warmth spread through his heart as he allowed himself to consider such a future, barring the thoughts of self-loathing and criticism. Gudrid as his wife, giving her all the love he could muster… perhaps making up for a little bit of the hatred he’d spread in the past by giving of himself such a love. 

It was a pleasant future to consider, even if he was unsure if he was even capable of it. But the more he thought about it, the more he wanted it. They were practically already raising Karli together, trying to be the parents Karli wouldn’t know in this life... Perhaps he already was raising a family, as Ylva had told him to. 

_ I’ve made my choice.  _

“Gudrid,” he said, feeling the warmth in his face once more. “I have something to ask of you.”

“Hmm?” She hummed, her voice quiet and sleepy, but content. “...what is it?”

“Will you…” he stopped, swallowing dryly, feeling far too open, but he wanted to make this choice. He wanted this, not just for the life he wanted for himself, but for Gudrid… and for Karli too. “Will you be my love?”

He felt her jolt against him, but before she could say anything, he spoke again. 

“I want- if I’m putting away any negative thoughts regarding myself and what I feel I deserve… I want to build a loving family. I want to raise Karli with every bit of care he should’ve been raised with by his own parents. I want… to love my wife... as tenderly as my father loved my mother. I want to try.”

He pulled back from her enough, letting her raise her head so he could look at her. Her eyes were wide, tears glistening in them. He hoped he was speaking his feelings right, but he wouldn’t stop now. It felt correct to where his mind was… and where his heart was. 

“Will you be my love, Gudrid?” He repeated. 

Her tears began to fall now, making his heart skip a beat. But before he could say a word, her arms were around him, hugging him so tight he wasn’t sure he could breathe. It was probably from the hug, but he could also feel that emotion filling him up once more. It was almost overwhelming. 

"You don't have to ask me that, ya know? I already told you how I feel," she murmured against him, burying her face in his shoulder.

He smiled breathlessly. "You're right."

"W- what made you change your mind?"

Gently, he pulled back from her, placing a hand against her face, letting his fingers softly smooth over her cheek. "I didn't change my mind because I didn’t know what my heart was feeling. I simply made a decision."

“So…” Gudrid blinked, her eyes wide and sparkling in the night. “You  _ do _ love me?”

“I-“ He stuttered, pondering a moment more. “I feel a lot of affection for you… whether that’s love or not now, I want it to grow into love. I- I want to love you, so I’m choosing to.”

Gudrid smiled, laughing lightly as she shook her head. “Well  _ that’s  _ not the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Sorry,” Thorfinn started, pulling his hand back to scratch at his neck. 

“No,” she replied. “No, don’t be. It’s very you, and I’m glad for that.”

He looked up at her, feeling a smile spread across his face, even if it was a bit apprehensive. Again, he had no idea what he’d done to deserve any of this. It was a little bit unbelievable though, not just her love for him, but also for the fact that she truly was going to marry him now. 

_ Wait… did I really just ask her to marry me…? _

_ I didn’t… _

_ Did I…? _

“Gudrid, I…”

He started, really having no idea what he was even trying to say. “I…”

“What is it?” She smiled. 

_ Still no words… _ He really had no clue. “Uh…”

Gudrid laughed lightly and he flushed, just feeling more like a fool than he already did.

“I can’t read your mind, Thorfinn.”

He sighed, laughing a bit with her. Maybe it wasn’t the right time for that anyway. He’d only just made a decision regarding all this, admitting his feelings for her and all that. They could take their time with the rest, right?

“I know, sorry,” he murmured. “I’m not sure what I was wanting to say.”  _ Something along the lines of taking back an accidental marriage proposal…  _ Of course he did want to marry her. The more he pictured it, the more he wanted to. But… they needed more time. He needed more time to acclimate to these feelings. 

He glanced at her, a gentle smile filling his face as he watched her. She’d relaxed again, letting her eyes look up to the heavens filled with starlight. Her brown eyes were sparkling, catching that light in such a stunning way, he thought maybe he should be breathless. This woman hadn’t been in his life that long, but it was surprising how much she’d changed him… just by tagging along. She’d given him her love, despite everything. Despite the blood on his hands. Despite all the detestable things he’d done. She’d  _ chosen _ to love him… 

He thought all this as she gazed up to the sky, nothing but wonder and awe in her eyes. He recalled how soft her face felt against his rough fingertips, how gentle her smile was in these quiet moments. 

_...She really is so beautiful… _

“G- Gudrid…?” He started, turning her attention back to him.

“Hmm?” She hummed, a smile on her soft lips. 

He felt like the breath was frozen in his lungs, but that was okay. He lifted his hand to her face once again, spreading his fingers over her blushing cheek. He released his breath as he tentatively leaned forward, scanning her face carefully. 

“Thorfinn…?” Her voice was a whisper, surprise in her eyes, but there was also joy. A quiet excitement that he found he shared with her. 

With nothing more than a smile, he touched his lips to hers, that same affectionate warmth filling him at the gentle contact. She hummed, wrapping her arms around his neck. He felt her move against him, her lips so soft on his. For those few moments, it felt as though time had stood still, leaving them alone together in the quiet of the night. Letting them enjoy this solitude of warmth longer than this kiss should’ve warranted. 

When he pulled away again, he sighed gently, pressing his forehead to hers. “Thank you.”

“F- for what?” She whispered, as if she was afraid of disturbing the air. 

“For choosing to love me,” he replied gently, kissing her forehead. 

Gudrid scoffed, emotion in her voice. “You’re such a wonderful person, it was hardly a choice!”

He wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he simply pulled her into him, embracing her as he held his other hand firm on the rudder. He pressed another kiss to her hair, gently swaying with the rocking waves. 

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you liked this!


End file.
